post #18

"i don't love you, i'm just passing the time.
you could love me if i knew how to lie.
but who could love me? i am out of my mind."

oh, hey, angst.

i've never been in love. never had a boyfriend. i don't really care about the latter, the term boyfriend irks me for whatever reason. but never being in love... yeah.

(yes, i realize you get the love from the boyfriend. but seriously, it sounds more like a possession than a person. ew.)

well anyway, i've never been in love. a lot of the time it doesn't bother me, but other times i wonder what i'm doing wrong. why haven't i found what all couples rave about, and what everyone else is desperately seeking. i wonder what it feels like, the whole love thing.

the last crush i've had was probably in the sixth grade. not a single butterfly since. i don't know if there's something wrong with me, a defect in my brain or something, but... i don't feel like i need love. maybe i'm mistaken, maybe i'm missing out. ... but i just can't seem to want it so badly that i'd do anything to get it. and by anything, i mean change myself.

i've always thought, in the back of my mind, that i need to change to get a boy to like me. but just this year, i expressly concluded to myself that i wouldn't change for anyone; not a boy, not a friend, not even my mom, who i love more than anyone else (hi, mom).

so now, i wait. wait for a gentleman caller to admire my quirks and my vast, dangerous brain. wait for someone to love me for me.

but until then... i have all that i need.