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Saturday, November 13, 2010

post #2

"your eyes look like kitties."
Okay, I'm sure my friend Camille would like to explain this quote further, but I am not letting her; not only because it has nothing to do with what I'm talking about today, but also because it is just brilliant and needs no explanation. My eyes look like kitties, everyone. This is my greatest achievement.

Onto my topic of the day: awkwardness. Mine, more specifically.

I am an extremely awkward person. I have discovered this when I was in 4th or 5th grade. I never say or do the things I should (well, the things society says I should). I have finally grown into my awkwardness this year, five or six years after its discovery.

To put it simply, I am not normal.

One minute I'm the loudest person in the room, the next I mumble nervously, not wanting to be heard. Sometimes I can't look into people's eyes, because I don't want them to see me. A friend of mine told me that my eyes were my soul, completely. Since then, I'm the shifty-eyed girl who doesn't know how to socialize like a normal human being. I stutter, I stumble, I embarrass myself. It's not that I wasn't taught; I most certainly was taught how to meet people, and socialize with them. I've never really been one to listen when I should, though.

I love my friends dearly, and I love being around them, but a lot of the time, I'd rather be alone. I used to think this was just introvert syndrome, but lately, I'm not sure. I feel like introverts never like to share their opinions, or be vocal. I love sharing my opinions. Even more, I love offending people. Unfortunate and dangerous, I know.

I'm kind of immature. I blurt out completely unnecessary statements at the worst times. I enjoy being loud and obnoxious in movie theaters and other dark, people-filled rooms. I laugh too long, too hard at things that aren't even remotely funny. I am overly affectionate, but I can't give a non-awkward hug for anything.

You'd think that after realizing all this, all my quirks and imperfections, that I could improve myself, perfect myself. But I can't. More important than that, I don't want to. I don't want to live life the way others want me to. I want to be loud, I want to be quiet, I want to be outgoing, I want to be alone. I want to be me, and that's all that matters.

And I'd rather be a first-rate version of myself than a second-rate version of someone else.

So you. Yeah, you. The one sitting in front of a computer screen, reading this blog.

I'm not going to change for you; I hope you don't mind.


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