post #20 - the end?

so i figured for my last post ever, i'd write a little "last day of school" memory post. ideally, i'd post a totally awesome poem or an excerpt of a story or something, but i really just want to talk. that's how i've been running my blog this whole time, and i feel like i'd be doing something wrong if i didn't just do what i do best.

my honors creative writing teacher gave us all beach balls. this class may be the thing i miss most about sophomore year. i never thought of myself as a good writer, and i still don't, but this class taught me to use my words effectively, how to self-revise, and how to write a petrarchan sonnet. so basically i learned more here than anywhere else.

my amazing english teacher pretty much brought juggling supplies and the entire class proceeded to fail at juggling while she completely owned us all. that’s my english teacher for you. then one of the guys from my class blew up the beach ball i got from honors creative writing, and the entire class, teacher included, formed a giant circle around the room and played the most hilarious game of keep up in the history of the world. probably the highlight of the day, for me.

then i had to write a super short article on squirrel infestations so i wouldn’t fail my journalism class.

my bible teacher proceeded to be the giant sweetheart that he is and made me feel all depressed about it being the last class of his that i’d be attending. ugh, i miss him already.

anatomy and history were boring and irrelevant, except for the poptarts. i'll let you figure that one out for yourselves.

lunch was just like every day, jamming to music and chatting and laughing and all that fun stuff.

spanish was fun too; joked around with my back-of-the-room pal (and everyone else, for that matter.)

math was my last class of the day. it was relatively okay; i basically talked to the dudes that i sit in the corner with (and ended up getting in trouble. i never get in trouble. it was fun.) then the bell rang and i proceeded to run like the wind down the hall to begin the hugging session.

holy crap, the hugging. it was everywhere. you couldn’t escape it. then again, i’m a really big hugger so it was actually pretty fun for me. i received many types of hugs: one armed hugs, aggressive hugs, slow motion hugs, girl hugs, boy hugs, teacher hugs, normal hugs, group hugs, holy crap the hugging. somewhere in the middle of all this, my friend pulled out a strobe light and i danced in the middle of the hallway. it was just one of those days.

then some funny conversations after school. it was fun for a while after that but then it got all awkward and quiet for a bit then everyone went home. the end.

and that is the final chapter of my sophomore year. between the embarrassing stuff, the exhaustion, the annoying people, the awesome people, the sleep deprivation (because one nod to my tiredness is not enough), and everything in between, i can honestly say this year was pretty great. i don't know if i'll continue on writing in this blog, because if anything, this blog captured a moment in my life clearer and more honest than anything else i can think of, and i can't imagine keeping up with it beyond this year. but i might. because sometimes memories need to be cherished in their purest state, but sometimes they can be continued, drawn out to capture even more beautiful moments. i really, really don't know. all i know is that i'm getting really nostalgic, and if i keep this up i might start crying.

so in conclusion...

to those i write about, you're my inspiration.

to those i write for, i love you.

and to the teacher who made me get this blog, i can't thank you enough.

peace out (for now?)

... yeah.

post #19

It's sad that you can't hear me. 
It's sad that you won't hear me at this very moment. 
Because this is the time I'll speak the truth. 
This is the moment I'll reveal the things I know,
Illuminating my story. 
Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever listen,
if we're all too selfish to truly listen to anyone but ourselves. 
Maybe I'll never know of someone like that;
Just. 
Pure. 
Listening.
Because the longer we live with ourselves,
The farther and farther we get from the truth. 
The constant sameness;
It blinds us from everything. 
Everything but want. 
Today, I understand Peter Pan more than ever before. 
I don't want to grow up. 
I just want to be heard.  

post #18

I'm not a maniac; I'm just a cure to ignorance. 
It's sad how people only see what they want,
And in the process, distort the vision of someone else. 
It's a shame, really. 
And it happens everyday. 
I pray I'm not that driving force, 
That my desire for those to hear me isn't destroying someone else. 
Who am I kidding; it probably is.
It's hard to be selfless when you're consumed in yourself. 
But it's even harder when you're consumed in others.  

post #17

hiiiiiiii guuuuuuuuuys. i've been taaaaaaaaaaalking like thiiiiiiis alllllllll daaaaaaaaaaay.
i'mmmm
sooooo
tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.

okay that's annoying. but hi.

so there are three more days left of school, as of this moment. this excites me.

edit: it's been two days since i visited this post, so now i have only one day of school left.

one.
day.
of.
school.
left.

words could not even begin to describe the sheer relief i feel at this. in a few days, i can sleep in as long as i want, do whatever i want, not see teachers, not do homework, not be grammatically correct (i'm practicing, as you can see), and.. kool aid. i love kool aid. i want some kool aid tomorrow. even though i forgot to buy it the other day. goshdangit. no kool aid for me.

anywho, i'm really excited about school being over. i think this entire week has just been an out of body experience, considering i'm so exhausted and i haven't been able to speak like a normal person for weeks, actually. i don't know how i've managed to get through five tests already. i have one more tomorrow. and a project to finish tonight. poems to lay out. blogs to write. after that, two exams to study for (well, i'm still waiting on tests for two subjects, but i'm pretty sure i'll be fine in those). then i'm free. finally.

there's only one major con in the whole summer thing: the fact that quite a few of my friends aren't coming back next year. i really hope i stay in touch with them, but usually i just fall out with those kinds of people, no matter how close, and it sucks. i'm making a summer resolution or whatever to not let that happen. and blog readers, you are my witnesses. as if any of you care.

so i'm off. three more of these entries until i am on longer contractually obligated to make posts on this blog. wow. trippy. i don't know if i'll keep making posts i doubt anyone actually reads this. if you do, please let me know.

that's enough for now.

until next time...

post #16

You know what the theme of America is?

You guessed it: instant gratification.

If you think about it, everything we do revolves around mememe, and the faster we get what we want, the more successful we are.

This is the case for everything we Americans do. We're the generation of instant movie rentals and 3-minute-microwave meals. I mean, there's nothing wrong with efficiency... until it gets to be a universal lifestyle.  We're too lazy to meet with someone face to face, so we send worthless texts back and forth, thinking it's a perfectly healthy way to hold conversations and keep relationships. I don't think it is, honestly. I mean, as for getting messages fast, it's perfectly fine, but the way we confess our deepest, darkest secrets over text messages just... scares me, you know? And the idea of anything being available with a click of a button just terrifies me.

Soon we won't have to work for everything.

And that really, really scares me.

post #15

It's funny how things change.
No matter how hard we try to stay the same.
Maybe I was the only one trying.
God only knows how ordinary I can be.

But it is the same.
... Almost.

Why do I feel so scared?
I knew.
I always knew.
But I could never believe it.

It's never been like this, for me.
And I don't know what to do.
But I'll keep trying.
And hoping that's enough.

post #14

oh hello there. so i have my driver's exam today (still can't believe i'm in driver's ed so late why did i wait whyyyyyy) and i feel like i'm not nervous enough for it. i remember my friends flipping their chizz when they had to take it, but i'm not. at all. i by no means know all the material, but i feel like i know enough of it to get at least 70 questions right. so i'm not nervous. at all. but i'm still planning on studying anywhere i can. i hope i don't start freaking out when i take it; i'll fail for sure. but no one's ever flunked out of driver's ed before. so i'll be fine.

oh, and did you guys hear? the world's ending tomorrow. no, but really. i'm totally on board for that "put some of your old clothes outside like something out of left behind" prank. really. because whoever came up with this crazy theory is a troll, and obviously needs to be trolled back.

but in all honesty, if the world ends on saturday, i can say that i have listened to enough beautiful music to last me a lifetime, and even though i couldn't personally thank all of them, i thank all of the people (my mom and brother first and foremost, musicians/bands, writers, etc.) that have inspired me into the person that i am today: the shameless, almost confident, trustworthy, rebellious chick whose words you're reading right this minute. the girl with the crazy nail polish, electric blue eyeliner, messy brain and matching messy hair. and most importantly, i thank my Lord and Savior for His always perfect timing, and for the blessings He provided on this earth, and has promised to me for eternity. and you know what's trippy? as i typed that last part, my favorite song of all time started playing. wow. that was really awesome. and if i wasn't in class, i'd probably sing along. and maybe cry.

so if the world does end... you, dear reader, know that i've been blessed with so many things, and i want you to be a witness. even though i've been broken by various trials, and hurt by so many people, i can, with all sincerity, say that the blessings that the Lord has given me so heavily outweigh those trials. i hope the same for you, dear reader. but if that's not the case, i invite you to listen to your favorite song, right now. because sometimes that's enough to make a person feel blessed.

post #13 - obligatory brain babble post

i love how everyone's all awake and vivacious this morning and i'm sitting here like "lulul wutscohereencyyy?~". i may seem completely capable, but if you knew what was going on in my brain, you'd think again.
here is the equivalent of what i'm thinking right now:
"sleeeo ssepnap zzzzzzz cani arestr si wslepep slweepepsy math eTast ewwewe rwwhy isi sthsi ahappingnerotomeihatethisaletmedif aeieeef sleeeape."
yeah. that is exactly what is going on in my brain right now.
yep.
yuuuuup.
you know, i don't know if i prefer yup or yep. i say "yup" aloud, but yep sounds a little more... efficient? but is efficiency necessary with a one-syllable, three-letter word? i doubt it is. y'know, the word yup/yep kind of bugs me. i might just stop saying it altogether.
okay i literally cannot think of anything else to say. that doesn't happen often.
OHMYJEEBUS I AM BABBLING ABOUT BABBLING POSTING THIS NOW I'M TOTALLY SANE I PROMISE.

post #12

Sepia-tone thoughts.
Low-opacity dreams.
Nothing is bright.
There's no contrast.
I feel desaturated.
Dull.
Lifeless.
Inject the color.
Expose the light.
Let me be who I need to be.

post #11

Warning to the wise: don't search "weird pictures" on Google if you're as wimpy as me. What has been seen cannot be unseen.

Anywho... yesterday was really terrible. I'm already over it, but you know, I need more blog posts, so I'm going back to it.

So I started the morning with a huge fight. And I also found out some really awful news. So both of these were contributing factors to me crying my eyes out promptly before entering school. I was still an absolute mess at that point, which I hated in itself and just caused me to cry more. So all through creative writing, I was heaving in my little corner, all red eyes and cried-off makeup. Which brings me to my next point: my makeup was absolute crap the entire day. And there wasn't anything I could do about it. To most people, this really wouldn't be life-shattering, but I'm a crazy makeup guru and I like it when my makeup doesn't look Heath-Ledger-as-Joker-esque. And that's exactly how it looked. Which made me angry.

Classes were more boring than usual, people were more annoying than usual (except for my friends who kept me sane), and I just felt bad. Then when school ended, I had driver's ed. So here's the thing: I'm a sophomore. And most people take driver's ed as freshmen. But lo and behold, I felt it absolutely necessary not to take driver's ed last year (idiot, I was one), and the first session of this year was full. So there I was, in a room of freshmen, for 3 hours. It could have been worse. It only added to my annoyance, though.

Then I went home and studied a lot and ate a crapload of rice because I was craving it and got little sleep.

Now I'm writing this blog and I feel kind of giddy.

What are human emotions even?

post #10

american idol opinions are back. let's roll, bros.

1. james durbin - closer to the edge - one of my favorite songs of all time. not excited to hear james sing it. he has this uncanny ability of taking my all-time favorite songs and turning them into stomach-turning, headache-inducing performances that the judges rave fanatically about (*cough* UPRISING BY MUSE *cough cough*) this performance was no different. pitchy, unimaginative, and forced. and i'm pretty sure the judges loved it. ugh.

2. jacob lusk - no air - um. wow. jacob was gettin' low. like, really, really low. i felt violated through the entire duration of this performance. no one should ever dance like that outside a club. it was obscene. and the singing was just awkward. if you plan on singing a duet song, make sure it doesn't sound like that. ever.

3. lauren alaina - flat on the floor - i can't believe this girl is younger than me. crazy. with the makeup and hair for this week (at least in her second performance), she could pass for late-twenties. anywho, girl can saaaang. and she knows exactly who she is and what she should be singing, which is very commendable for a girl her age. country music needs her. seriously.

4. scotty mccreery - gone -

his face during this performance made the entire night worthwhile for me. he's so energetic. and his voice is so good. i adore this kid. can't wait for his hometown visit; i seriously want to go.

5. haley reinhart - you and i - i love how everyone was flailing and whining about haley singing an "unreleezed gaga sawng~~*~*" when the song has been for about a year, gaga has sung it live in concerts and on television, and tons of people know about it. i just think the american idol judges are just massively uneducated in the music world. anywho, it was pretty good. she sounded good. looked good. thing is, it didn't have half the feeling that the original does. still, not bad by any stretch of the imagination. 

6. james durbin - without you - i applaud his passion. really, the emotions were giving me goosebumps through this. plus, the song's a classic and i love it. thing is... he didn't sound good. if he had sounded good, it may've been the best of the night. but he didn't sound good. therefore i'm sitting here, wondering why he's still in the competition.

7. jacob lusk - love hurts - ughughugh i love gospel music yesssss. jacob brought it in this one. still, it wasn't memorable enough to keep him in the competition. despite the awesome vocals and stylistics, jacob still went home, and with little legacy because his recent performances haven't been all that fantastic. oh well. if he makes a record, i'll probably buy it. he's an awesome, genuine vocalist. 

8. lauren alaina - unchained melody - my favorite cheesy love song! like steven tyler, i don't have much to say about this one. she looked flawless, sang beautifully, and it all just worked.

9. scotty mccreery - always on my mind - serious side of scotty. OHOHOHO ALLITERATION WHAT NOW. but i really, really loved this one. he has such an amazing, country voice. i feel like those two words shouldn't go together, but in all honesty, scotty is making me appreciate country music again. i used to love it years ago, but with the taylor-swift-pop-country-infusion explosion, i've kind of lost my faith in the genre. scotty's restoring it, though, and i want him to win the season for that reason. OH LOOK A RHYME I AM A BEAST.

10. haley reinhart - house of the rising sun - the performance of the night. absolutely, 100% flawless. i really believe this girl has a place in soul music or something of the sort... y'know, i don't care which genre she wants to work in; as long as she pulls out songs like this, i'm buying them. great way to end the night.

i don't know if i'll be doing these opinions next week, but i might do a recap of the finale if i can. hoorah~

post #9

hello. i am in history class as of the current moment. i'm sure you don't really care, but i felt as if i'd let you know. i needed 12 more posts for the quarter, so i figured i'd knock one out.

this week has been going by quite fast, but each day has been going by excruciatingly slow. this was the first week back from spring break. i liked spring break. it was relaxing. i am now no longer relaxed. i am stressed, and exhausted, and both of these factors affect my writing style immensely. my friend stacey is next to me, looking at pastries. she wants a cannoli, or however you spell it. they look pretty magnificient. now we're looking at chocolate covered strawberries. i want one.

this has been the most interesting blog post in the history of my blog. i'm sure you're impressed.

/sarcasm

post #8

I was watching a concert on TV today, because I'm a music freak and that's what I do. But in all seriousness, it made me think and feel more than I ever have in months. No one will ever, and I mean ever, understand what music means to me. I'm not even sure if I fully understand myself. All I know is that music came to me in my time of need. It has failed me, as all earthly things have, but I have no doubts it's the best tangible thing on the planet. 

The combination of instruments, melodies, and words is the closest thing to perfect in this horribly imperfect world. So perfect, that it's mere existence can cause an utter downpour of emotions that I can't even express in words. I wish I could, I wish I could copy and paste my emotions onto a page, so everyone could understand, but I just can't. 

Thing is, the reason why I was feeling so much, was because I was watching the band that started everything for me. They've been a band for nearly 20 years now, and I think it's safe to say that their music has changed the punk genre forever, and is the blatant definition of 21st century punk music. If you even vaguely know about music, you could probably guess who this band is just from those details. So I watched them play live today, and I felt so much nostalgia. This band was my first taste of punk, the first taste of rebellion. It started everything. 

I'm certainly not the biggest fan of this band. I don't know all the words to their songs, and I haven't listened to all their albums. They were always too punk, too grunge, too raw for my tastes. But none of that could lessen what I felt today. Nothing could lessen my gratitude, either.   

post #7

Oh my goodness, you guys. I think I might be even more of a creep than I thought possible. Thing is, I didn't mean to be. It was totally an accident, I promise.

Well, anyways, I was walking into school about 10-15 minutes ago. I was walking through the door, and a little girl that I recognized was holding the door for me. I said thank you, she said you're welcome, it was all very pleasant. Then she mumbled a comment, saying I looked nice.  And you see... I thought I knew this girl. Well. I might know her. She looked really, really similar to another little girl I know... but she may or may not be that girl. Anywho, back to the story.

So, me, being totally stupid and creepy and not thinking before I say things, said, "You look nice, too. You always look nice." Then I heard her mumble thank you. But I couldn't tell if it was a creeped-out tone or a normal, shy person tone. Guys, I might have just told a complete stranger that they always look nice. Which means I'm always looking at them. Always. Oh my gosh I can't even handle my own level of creepy. Just imagine being a little girl, in between 4th-6th grade, thinking that they're always being watched. I don't know about you, but I'd be twitchy. Really twitchy. But then again, I was really twitchy in elementary school already.

So, I'm hoping for one of two options.
1. The girl truly was the one I recognized and she took what I said as a compliment.
2. I never, ever come across this little girl again, and she isn't as mentally scarred about this situation as I am. Poor thing has enough to deal with in elementary/middle school.

post #6

Blooming relationships.
It should have been me.
Trying to ignore me.
Trying to make you angry.
Everything I say, you ignore.
Really, I'm not bitter.

post #5

THIS... is a meme appreciation post.

Memes are beautiful things. To explain them in simplest terms, they are smart, funny internet jokes, that are usually relatable to internet people. The meme above, Socially Awkward Penguin, is basically my entire life in the form of memes (with the exception of a few sketch ones I've seen). There are tons of other funny ones, like Philosoraptor... and a bunch that I can't remember.

I like memes. And I will possibly write more about them in the future.

Get excited.

post #4

Sometimes I really, really want to plagiarize.

Did I get your attention?

Ha, probably not.

But really though. Really.

Just listen to Dangerous Blues by The Young Veins. You'll understand my psychotic need to take every. single. word. of. this. song.

"What makes a crowd turn away from a tune?
I've never bloomed such a beautiful blues."

Why is this song not mine. Really now.

I'm pretty sure this whole words thing is entirely opinion-based. Maybe you won't be compelled to plagiarize when you listen to that song. But I do. And my opinion totally matters not really.

Well, anyway, my final thoughts on plagiarism: it's very, very, very tempting, but very wrong. Don't do it, kids.

post #3

Noxious fumes.
Brilliant hues.
Precision.
Mistakes are made.
Mistakes are corrected.
Easy to remove, these certain mistakes.
I admire my work.
Wiggling fingers, wiggling toes.
My nails are painted blue.

post #2

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO WRITE STOP PRESSURING ME.

okay never mind i'll think of something.

so um, you know how you have those herpy derpy moments in life and you just stare off into the distance for, well, eternity? and you know how during those moments someone is staring directly into your eyes and you don't notice because you're herpin' and derpin' it? and then you're staring into each other's eyes (you're blissfully unaware, the other person probably terrorized and questioning your sanity), and you suddenly become aware that you're a human being and you find yourself staring. and they're still staring. and then, finally, you do what any person with proper creepy staring etiquette would do... look away as abruptly and dramatically as possible.
and though this all feels like slow motion, this entire process happens in a span of a few seconds.

know what i'm talking about?

yeah, well, that's the only thing my puny brain has been capable of this week.

i think everyone's scared of me now.

post #1

i've been trying to write, but lately my muse has been really, really lame and unhelpful. thing is, i'm pretty sure the reason why i can't write anything with any substance these days is because nothing's going on in my life right now. nothing interesting, at least. i go to school, i come home and complain about school, i do homework, i eat, i sleep. that's all. even on weekends, nothing happens. i usually just spend my day mindlessly surfing the internet. there's a car honking outside. i hope it stops soon. it did. oh, it started again. someone really needs to do something about that. it's really distracting me from my writing. oh my gosh it's not stopping. the honking is going to go on fore- okay it stopped. i'm going to stop writing before it starts again.

here, have a dapper cat:

good day, fine sirs and madams. 

post #20

dear friend o' mine,

you're so freakin' cool.

no, seriously though.

we may not like all the same things. fact of the matter is, we don't. but when it comes to us, it doesn't matter. we bond over things that normal people don't: we're meme-obsessed, we watch the qvc, and we both laugh at everything. i don't know why, exactly, but whenever i find something new in common with you, i just appreciate our friendship all the more.

you make me laugh more than any other person on earth. i'm so blessed to have a friend as hilarious as you. i'm pretty sure if you weren't in my life, i wouldn't live as long. ... cuz you live longer when you laugh a lot. right? yeah.

you're so easygoing, too. you're probably the one friend that doesn't over-analyze crap that doesn't need to be over-analyzed. you see things the way i do, and it's the coolest thing in the world.

last but not least, you listen. i love you for listening, or at least pretending you do. because i have to be the one that listens all the time (well, a lot of the time, because in a lot of my friendships, i'm the talker), and it's just nice to have a friend who talks just as much as she listens. usually it's one or the other.

i was just thinking about all of my friends, and for whatever reason, you just stuck out in my mind today. so i wrote this letter to you. you may or may not read this, because you did take an interest in my blog at one point (which is so cool too fdjjkfhsdl). so yeah, i'm pretty sure you'll know who you are if you ever read this.

i love you. a lot.

post #19 (aka, the annoying writer self-doubt post of the quarter)

My brain is empty.
I thoroughly believe there is nothing left in there.
The words I use are tired and worthless;
why do I keep writing?
I don't know.
I don't know why I feel so discouraged.
I feel like what I write isn't good enough.
But does it really need to be?
Whose standard am I looking to please?
I don't even know the answer to that.
I'm just tired.
I rush through everything with reckless abandon,
and it is nothing.
Everything is nothing.
I'm saying nothing, even now.
I should just stop.

post #18

It's Friday.
And you know what that means, right?
RIGHT?!??

In honor of this trainwreck song, I decided to help miss Rebecca Black out with her songwriting skills. I pray she didn't write this herself, but either way, I made some changes to her song Friday that I believe will make this song even more of a winner than it already is.

I present to you Friday: The Intellectual Version.


It is 7 o'clock in the morning,
I rise from my bed.
I must freshen myself, and afterwards, make my way down the stairs,
Need to have my morning nourishment, preferably in a bowl-like container,
I watch the chaos around while the clock ticks intermittently,
Everyone is hasty.
I now must to walk to my bus stop.
I need to catch my bus,
But I see my friends so I am immediately distracted from this need.
Some are situated in the front of the car,
and the rest are in the rear of the vehicle.
I must decide:
Which seat may I occupy?


Chorus:
It is Friday, Friday,
Must experience joy on Friday,
The inhabitants of earth are looking forward to the end of the week, end of the week,
Friday, Friday
Enjoying myself on Friday.
The inhabitants of earth are looking forward to the end of the week, end of the week.
Possibly dancing, but mostly awkwardly fist-pumping with a fake smile on my face, YEAH!
Possibly dancing, but mostly awkwardly fist-pumping with a fake smile on my face, YEAH!
Beguilement, merriment, mirth, jocularity,
Looking ahead to the end of the week.

... okay I can't do this anymore.

post #17

oh hello, blog readers.
i've always wanted to put reviews on this blog. i guess you could call me a critical person. i love reviewing, especially music. so i came up with this idea...
you all know the show american idol, right? some people quite like it (such as myself), and others find it mind-numbingly dull, or just plain bad. if you are one of the latter, you may not enjoy this idea very much, because i plan to review american idol. maybe not every week, but every time i feel like it. don't worry if you don't like the show, or haven't watched it. this is, first and foremost, a writing blog, and i plan to keep it that way. so scattered in between poems, or stories, or life musings, you, dear reader, will be able to find american idol reviews. hoorah.

so anywho, wednesday night, the top 12 contestants of season 10 performed. i actually haven't seen all the performances yet, but from what i have seen, there are some great ones. such a huge step above last season. i'll be commentating on each performance (some as i listen to them, others from memory).

here we go!

oh! and this week's theme is "songs from the year you were born". i could probably rant for days about how much i hate this theme, but i really don't have a year, and i'm sure you don't either.

1. Naima Adedapo - What's Love Got to Do With It? - Fun fact: this song used to come on the radio station my family listened to back when I was a youngin'. Good times. I used to belt this one like the diva I truly was. But anywho, this performance just flat out sucked. One of the worst of the night, by far. I really do like Naima, though; she has crazy style, a great story, and a really cool voice. But this was just filled with pitch issues, and was boring and awkward and baaad.

2. Paul McDonald - I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues - Another one of my favorite classics. So here's the thing: I think I might be in love with Paul. He moves around on stage like everybody's drunk uncle, and it's just so wonderfully endearing to me. And he has a nice smile. And a cool beard. And really weird, fruity fashion sense. So yeah, aside from this dude pretty much being my spirit animal, I also really, really love the way he sings. This performance really wasn't that good until he hit the chorus, but in his defence, he was sick. But yeah, still respectable.

3. Thia Megia - Colors of the Wind - This girl has the name of a winner. Thee-a Muh-Gee-Uh. It rhymes. Therefore it is brilliant. Anywho, the performance was lovely, she looked lovely, and that's really all there is to it. She did the song justice and it wasn't pitchy. The judges seemed to have problems with it, but I liked it.

4. James Durbin - I'll Be There For You - Did anyone else get all excited when they heard the song title, thinking James was gonna sing the Friends theme song? Just me? Okay. So it's not the Friends theme song. I wasn't jumping up and down over this performance, but I do like Adam Lam- I mean James (he really doesn't sound like Adam at all, and he and Adam aren't the only artists that "scream", but seriously, he picks all the same songs and does all the same arrangements as Adam did, so I totally have a right to call him out on it.) The performance got better towards the end, but I was kind of bored. I second Steven Tyler's plea for James not to go too pop-y. This guy is a great performer, and a great singer, but this week wasn't great for me.

5. Haley Reinhart - I'm Your Baby Tonight - I really can't stand this girl. I'm sorry. Something about her just bugs me to the core. But ohmygosh the lipstick thing was the best thing to happen on American Idol since I don't know when. So awkward and hahahahahahhahaha-inducing. The performance was dull and almost formless, in a sense. I just want her to go home already.

6. Stefano Langone - If You Don't Know Me By Now - FAVORITE. Ohmylord, this is one talented kid. He just sings well. Really well. And he's contemporary enough to make it in today's industry. It all just works together. This performance wasn't anything groundbreaking, but it was a song that was sung well, and that's all that matters.

7. Pia Toscano - Where Do Broken Hearts Go - First off, she's so pretty. Seriously. This performance was pretty boring, and lacking in energy. She's a natural diva with her voice, though. American Idol hasn't had a contestant like her in a while; someone who could belt big notes, and do it well. She'll go places, once she picks better songs.

8. Scotty McCreery - Can I Trust You With My Heart? - Pfffffffahahahhahaha HIS FACE. I don't know why, but every time he smiles at the camera, I just burst out laughing. He has this awesomely stupid face. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. I really quite liked this performance, actually. A genuine country boy with a genuine performance. I can actually feel what he's singing, stupid face and all.

9. Karen Rodriguez - Love Will Lead You Back - Girl, what is going on on your head.
Here, have a picture:

I just... what is this whole outfit I don't even. The hair, though. The hair is spectacularly weird. Well, anywho, the performance was so dull I can't even think of something to say about it. She seems like a really sweet girl, though, and I love it when she sings in Spanish. This performance did nothing for me.

10. Casey Abrams - Smells Like Teen Spirit - In the beginning I was totally loving it. He brought out the bass guitar, and it was all just great and dandy. Then he hit the middle of the song, and it just got creepy. The way the lights hit his face... he looked possessed. And the sounds he was making (I suppose you could call it singing, but like... what). Overall it was just really, really fun to watch. But also slightly horrifying.

11. Lauren Alaina - I'm the Only One - Lauren was also sick on performance night. I still think she did a really good job. Sort of forgettable. She has a good voice, and nice charisma. Knows how to work a crowd. I don't know. Not a fan yet.

12. Jacob Lusk - Alone - Oh Lord, this man has sass. A lot of it.  He's kind of hilarious. He sang one of my favorite songs of all time. Some parts were spectacular, others were cringe-inducing. Overall, it really amazes me how he leaves all of himself on the stage when he performs. I don't think I've ever seen that kind of passion before in my life. He's one of my favorites, for sure.

ohmygosh I'm finally done. This was exhausting. And these are probably very boring. Hopefully I can snark more next time?

post #16

this is a poem about my surroundings.

my walls are painted green.
it is a pretty color to be seen.
lots of papers are piled around me.
sleeping is where i'd rather be.
cds stacked high.
there's a highlighter by my side.
a dictionary sits high on a stack of books.
what if a quick nap is all i took?
sleep is obviously more important than this stupid room.
... broom.

YAAAAY BEST POEM EVURRR~~~*~*~

edit: i was not under the influence in the making of this poem. though i'm sure this what it feels like the day after.

post #15

Yawning.
A lot of yawning has been happening recently.
We're all sleepy.
Never fully awake this week.
Inspiring air, deeply
No longer denying my exhaustion
Gosh, let me sleep.

post #14

So there's this concert I really want to go to. It's my favorite band, the venue is 3 hours away, it's on an exam day that I'm pretty sure I don't have to go to. Words cannot describe how much I want to be there.

This band pretty much got me through freshman year. And that's saying a lot, because freshman year was one of the worst of my life. They make amazing music, a great amount of which have inspired pieces I've written or blog posts in the past.

The thing is, these things never go as plan. My mom might say no. KIDDING, my mom said yes because I have the best mom ever. The tickets might sell out before I get a chance to buy them. The person who I want to go with (I would never go see this band without her) may not be able to get her parents to say yes.

You know what sucks? This stupid concert is all I can think about. I feel like seeing this band would be... well, not necessarily a fulfillment. I guess for lack of a better way to explain it, it'd be a teenage dream come true.

I really, really want to go.

post #13

You don't want freedom;
you just want your own chains.
I kept saying you shouldn't be given this choice,
while others argued that it was unjust.
In your stupidity, you are putting yourself in danger.
Oh, my home, open your eyes to see,
that what you want is not what you need.
Oh, my heart, don't be blind to see,
that you have lost your chance to be totally free.

post #12

Quiet.
Take a moment
A second to feel
To take a breath, blink your eyes,
Regroup.

I've been so tired. But today I just stopped and took a moment. I realized that it was all I really needed; today, at least. And it dawned on me that there's so much more that I need than just a breath of air (mind you, air is extremely important.) God constantly gives me the things I need, and He put peace and joy in my heart today to share. I plan on doing just that.

post #11

A Day in the Life.

5:30 - Snooze button.
6:30 - Rush out.
7:30 - Words flow.
8:30 - Mind provoked.
9:30 - Unmet deadlines.
10:30 - Heart filled.
11:30 - Boring lecture.
12:30 - Temporary freedom.
1:30 - Nearly asleep.
2:30 - Vicious pain.
3:30 - Chilling out.
4:30 - Finally home.
5:30 - Favorite show.
6:30 - Dinner time.
7:30 - Endless homework.
8:30 - Studying profusely.
9:30 - Nodding off.
10:30 - Couch "nap"
11:30 - Burnt out.

post #10

This was written quite a few weeks ago; found it in my binder this morning. I wrote it on a day where one of my teachers gave us a free period (which doesn't happen often, but when it does, it makes me so happy I'm downright poetic.) So yeah, have some words.

Give me words to change
Change a heart
Change my heart.

Rest is a discipline,  and something to be learned and taught.
My mind is at peace,
but a jumbled mess it is.

With my cleansing breath, give me rest.
Help me feel at home, wherever I may be.
Help me see the beauty in a heart,
even if it's broken.
Help me see beyond my own broken heart.

Give me rest.

post #9

"Put another X on the calendar,

Summer's on its deathbed.

There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends."

I've been thinking so much and so often about this life, in respect to eternity. It's so much for me to grasp, and yet it plagues my brain almost daily. The fact that this life isn't all, is the thing. We're so wrapped up, consumed in this world and its difficulties. Thing is, today is all we have. Eternity is out of our grasp, right now. So I really shouldn't worry about it as much as I do. Easier said than done. But as for now, today... each day passes and it's gone. Another day marked off on a calendar, a series of moments that either matter or don't. I pray for more moments that matter; I pray my life doesn't continue to pass as I've been letting it.

post #8

Everyone has a part of themselves that they mask from the world. 

Every person is filled with insecurities and fears that they hide, rather than face and conquer. 

The longer those parts are concealed, the weaker you are in the fight against yourself. 

The reasons for this mask could fear of rejection, or fear of imperfection,

but the chief of them all: the fear of being alone.

I know it's a fear for me. 

I don't want people not to want me. 

Maybe the key to dispelling those fears is removing the mask.      

post #7

I am an extremely candid human being. I pride myself in the fact. I always say what's on my mind, no matter where I am or who I'm around. Sometimes it's a good thing; people laugh. They relate. They care about what I have to say and don't mind how I say it, odd outburst and all. But a lot of the time I really hate my endless honesty. I say things that hurt people before I even know I'm doing it. The worst part of saying what's in my head, all the time,  are those moments where no one listens. 

It's almost hard to explain. I just... I go out of my way to say whatever I'm thinking. Maybe I don't want a response, or reaction. I just want someone to listen to my worthless words. But the strange looks, the dismissiveness, and the blatant declaration, "I just don't care", hurts to the core. 

I wish it didn't. Of course I do. Then that would mean that I'd never get hurt, and maybe I could finally believe that I matter. But people don't care what I have to say a lot of the time. Maybe they have good reason... but if you wanted me in your life, why wouldn't you want all of me? My hopes, my insane thoughts, my loves, hates, emotions... 

I constantly remind myself how selfish it all is. People have a right to not care about my useless crap. Doesn't make it hurt any less, though. 

So there you go, readers. I just spilled my guts about one of my biggest sensitivities. Moral of the story: pretend to listen when I talk to you. 

Ha. 

post #6

This is a story about a girl and her mother.

"I don't know my purpose," the girl said.
"It's midnight, honey. We need to go to bed."
The girl nodded as she started to cry,
The mother, aggravated, replied with a sigh.
"Read your Bible, you waste so much time," the mother harshly reproved.
The daughter cried harder, feeling less than soothed.
"I wanted support, not a lecture, and what you said isn't true!"
Then the mother broke down, and she cried too.
So the mother and daughter held each other's hands,
Said their apologies and prayed to God all of their plans,
They told Him their woes and confusions in their lives,
And, in those confessions, they became so much closer that night.
Moments like these remind me why I'm here,
And also that, with a hand to hold, I have nothing to fear.    

post #5

i want to make a blog post about the process of my blogs.

this quarter has been so bizarre. i've been writing so much outside of class, and i have been keeping those writings literally everywhere. so instead of getting 20 blogs sporadically through the quarter, you guys are pretty much gonna get an onslaught over today and tomorrow. i have 15 more pieces to share with you; journals from my daily life, annonymous letters to friends, poetry... i have a lot on my mind and my heart this time around.

post #4

I honestly think I'm emotionally unstable.

Seriously, every other post on my blog is generic and depressing, and the others are random, cringe-inducing, and... cheery, for lack of a better word. I don't know. I'm just a teenage girl. I suppose this is a good enough excuse for my madness.

So, um. Now I'm going to talk about food.

You know what's odd? When you're really hungry, and you go downstairs to look for food, you find a fridge full of stuff and you still complain that there's nothing to eat? Yeah. My life. When I'm at my hungriest, it's like the fridge monsters destroy every last thing that could possibly be appealing to eat, and leave all the unsatisfying junk.

Cottage cheese.
Sugar-free raspberry jelly (with added fiber!)
Cinnamon bun flavored yogurt. What is this I don't even.
An assortment of less disgusting but still unappealing yogurt flavors. WHO EATS THIS MUCH YOGURT?

I really don't know how to end this entry.

I hope I find some food after this.

post #3

i'm in prison.
do as i say.
you never listen.
do you even know what you're saying?
my heart hurts.
put your feelings aside.
i'm trapped.
we only want what's best for you.
you have no idea.
you're too young to realize.
i'm not too young to realize that i'm being played
a pawn in someone else's game.
let me go.
or you'll lose the very thing you're trying so desperately to strengthen.

post #2

On Friday, February 11, 2011, I visited my friend Camille's house. This is one of the many interesting events that happened during that visit.

Ka-chink. (That's totally a can opening sound.)
I opened a soda.
I pulled out a bendy straw.
I looked at the soda label.
It read Fruit Punch Soda.
Perplexed, I took a sip.
Then I started squealing.
What is this it's so delicious oh my gosh it tastes like fizzy bubblegum and goodness and this must be what heaven is like how have I never had this soda in my life oh my gooooooosh.
I am now sipping this soda in complete bliss.
Every sip is impossibly more delicious than the one before.
I am a happy person.
The end.

post #1

Oh. Well, hello there. It seems as though I haven't written much on this blog in quite some time. Well, if you're interested in my writing (hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha), then you're in luck. I have not one, but two poems to share with you. And I'm putting them in the same post! Normally I'd do something like this out of laziness, but today it's a different reason. I'm posting these two poems in the same post because they go with each other. Thing is, the poems are almost exact opposite. But they're also a lot alike. That's why I'm calling them...

My Yin and Yang Poems. Pshaw, I'm so clever.

Love is a four-letter feeling, and so much more.
How long will it take for you to know?
It's not a hug, a kiss,
it's not even a word-
not a sentence, a paragraph, a story, poem, song.
Love is selflessness.
And I lose myself too much.
Is it that you're stronger,
that you know better than to give your all?
Or maybe it's the other way around.
But I always feel like all of me is not enough for you.
I feel like nothing is enough for you.
Maybe that's why you hate the world so much.
So go on, live your life and find happiness,
if not in me, then in someone else.
Just do what you do,
whatever you do.
But don't do it for me;
do it for you.
I'll try not to get in the way.

Anger is a five-letter word,
It's burning in me; all for you, darling.
It's dangerous, and I'm afraid it will make me blind.
So when you speak, and ignite the flames,
I pray my mouth will be the extinguisher,
and I'll speak the words my heart wants to say,
and ignore the thoughts my brain screams.
I am angry with you.
You make me feel insecure,
inferior,
and everything I run from.
It's as if you live to bring me down,
but that's not it at all.
In making yourself feel good,
you trod on me.
Why are you so convinced that I'm trying to make you feel bad?
I wish you would just stop. Stop everything-
your hurtful words to spark my envy,
your spiteful eyes to spark my guilt.
You will not destroy me.
How sad it is that the ones I love the most are the ones who break me.
What a joke.
And to think I still love you
like I did yesterday.

christmas journal #5

Christmas music. 

You'd think I'd adore Christmas music. I Iove Christmas, I love music. But together? It can create some pretty horrible songs. 

Don't get me wrong, some Christmas songs are awesome. And sometimes I listen to Christmas albums in June, just because I love them that much. But tuning into radio stations all through the month of December, all you can hear are the haunting melodies of overplayed Christmas songs. I probably heard at least 12 arrangements of Santa Baby and Last Christmas this holiday season, and if I have to hear I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas one more time, I might pull my own hair out. That song. That stupid, whiney, annoying, pitiful song. I hate that song. There is nothing joyful or pretty or remotely positive about it. 

So in conclusion: Christmas songs are good. Overplayed ones are bad. And I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas should never see the light of day again. Ever.    

christmas journal #4

Happiness in a mug
Oh, what a wonderful thing
Terribly delicious. 

Comforting and sweet,
Heat rising through the air
One part milk, eight parts chocolate 
Cocoa dumped in by the gallon
One minute in the microwave
Lookin' good. Really good. 
A whiff of the stuff is bliss. 
Tastes like the holidays. 
Exceptional. 

christmas journal #3

There's something about the Christmas tree. The tree, for my family, is probably the most important tradition. We have a fake tree. We love our fake tree. It's big and green and it doesn't smell bad like real trees do. And it has some awesome strategically placed pine cones. The golden lights are attached to it, because my family is simply too low-maintenance for stringing lights onto trees.

Every year, we pull out the ornaments and put them on the tree. This is my favorite part of the holiday season, the ornaments. There's no special order; just wherever we think the ornament fits. It usually ends up being an overly crammed, spastic looking tree. It literally comes out different every year.

Excuse me for being obnoxiously cliche, but it really reflects the year, that tree. Every year it's like it says something different about us, as a family. I know, I know. It's a plastic tree. It doesn't talk. But seriously, it's almost like every year, it says where we are at that point. This year, it was filled, crammed, busy. As we were. It still looked kind of sad. Like we were. But the golden lights brought everything back together. A glint of hope. We have that. Okay, I'm done with the tree/family analogy now. It's stupid. But really, really, freakishly true.

christmas journal #2

Christmas is everything opposite.

Christmas is warm.
It's time with family and friends.
It's giving. It's receiving.
It's beautiful, sparkling snow.
It's hot chocolate and candy canes.
It's beautiful.

Christmas is cold.
It's feeling lonely.
It's getting what you want, but not what you need.
It's gray skies and dreary days.
It's being overly lazy.
It's depressing.

Christmas is everything opposite.

christmas journal #1

It's Christmas day, and I have sold my soul to the presents. I don't know when this happened, or how, but suddenly the possessions received became the most important thing. I went crazy.

There was something I didn't want. Maybe I needed it, but I was just so against getting it. I told my mother this, expressly. And that thing? Was exactly what I got on Christmas morning. And... yeah. I went crazy. On Christmas morning. Who does that? Apparently, I do. I think I'm secretly five years old. Ugh, embarrassing.

I got over myself, though. On Christmas day. Because I sort of killed Christmas morning with my ridiculous mood.

I know it was my fault, my fault that I went item-crazy. But did the surrounding atmosphere influence me at all? You see a huge number of people in malls, buying obligatory gifts for others. Is that what Christmas has become, a obligation? Centered around presents? If that's the case... I'm worried.